By Monica Bailey, as told to Mariah Maddox.
As soon as my husband and I got married, holidays became hectic. We were trying to juggle seeing every family and friend, but ended up spending hours and hours in the car. Then, when we had kids, things became really difficult.
One year, we planned to make the hour drive from Sandy, Utah, to the Ogden area with our 3-month-old son to spend Thanksgiving dinner with my husband's side of the family. As first-time parents, we were overwhelmed, but determined to attend the holiday celebration. But the roads were icy, so the trip took longer than expected. Once we arrived, dinner was behind schedule, and we couldn't find a quiet corner for our son to nap. It started to feel really hard. My son was crying non-stop, and I was stressed and worried that his crying would ruin the rest of the family's holiday meal.
The next couple of years went by; we'd had our second son, and we still tried to stretch ourselves too thin to make all of our families happy. By the time I was pregnant with my third, our daughter, this constant on-the-go mentality was no longer working for us.
That year, we hosted everyone at our house instead, but some insensitive comments about things we could have done differently from friends and family came a day later. That sent us over the edge.
The next year, we only invited a few people, and then the year after that, we made a big decision: we spent our holidays at home as a family of five. We didn't spend the holidays trying to please everyone. Our kids didn't miss their nap time, they ate well, and we all had so much fun.
That Thanksgiving night, we were sitting at the table with full bellies after dinner, and decided this was going to be our new tradition — to spend our holidays at home, intimately, as a family of five.
We've been doing it for six years now, and we have absolutely no regrets.
We ditched people-pleasing for a peaceful holiday at home
When we were talking that Thanksgiving evening about why we wanted to keep our holidays intimate at home, we ultimately asked ourselves what we actually cared about during the holidays and what really mattered.
What we landed on was this idea that our family culture isn't defined by our holiday plans. We try to create memories with our kids every single day, week after week; that is what the family culture is. So, we decided to live our holidays no longer satisfying the demands of others and instead do what brings us peace and happiness.
Our children still have holiday traditions with extended family that they get really excited about; they're just spread out on other days, and the holidays gain a few days (or even months!), which the kids love.
We've created our own magical traditions
Our holidays are still merry and bright without extended family visits and external obligations. A few days before Christmas, we like to go see the Nutcracker ballet. On Christmas Eve, we have a cozy day at home where we bake cookies, read the Bible, and have the kids sleep in our room to wait for Santa to come (something we wouldn't get to do if we were too busy packing bags and organizing travel for the next day).
A few years ago, when our kids were 8, 5, and 3, they started to express that they wanted to give their siblings gifts. Before then, it was all about receiving. So, now, our favorite tradition of all is that every Christmas Eve, our children give one another gifts that they have picked out themselves.
One by one, we take them on shopping dates so they can pick out the gifts, and they even wrap the presents themselves. Seeing the joy on their faces when they open up each gift is truly so special. Each year, we hear the dialogue between them as they're giving each other hints and trying to guess what their gift is. On Christmas day, each sibling is so excited to see their gifts opened, and then they discuss it afterwards with such pride. It's still the part of Christmas Eve they talk about the most.
Another tradition I love is our Christmas evenings. Since we don't have to travel home from any larger family events, we get to have a big Christmas feast for dinner, where we make a steak tenderloin with Béarnaise sauce, potatoes, and lots of sides. It's the grand finale to our Christmas day. The kids even help out with prepping and cooking the dinner. Each of them get a different assignment, like helping me make a side (such as potatoes or rolls) or the main dish. Things may take longer to get on the table, but we have so much fun doing it. Last year, my daughter made placecards for the table and decorated the table with napkins and handmade crafts. It's something they really enjoy partaking in.
Slowing down was the best thing we did for our family
My husband and I run our own company, and our schedules are very hectic. When we finally stopped to imagine our ideal holiday, what we realized was that we felt drawn to days that were simple, quiet, and peaceful. Being cozied up on our couch at home, watching Christmas movies, not worrying about checking off boxes, are some of the greatest, most snuggliest moments we've had with our kids to date.
When I share our decision with others, so many say they wish they could do the same, but worry about disappointing their families. And I understand that because we were stuck there for years, too, trying to please everyone around us instead of caring for ourselves.
@thebaileys.official 5 Years Ago We Decided To Stop Inviting Our Extended Family To Holidays
? original sound - Donald and Monica Bailey
We didn't make a big announcement about our change — we just started living differently. We stopped accepting invitations to holidays with extended family, and when asked, we shared about our decision, but also let them know we would still love to spend time with them on a different day.
There was some pushback from family at first, but overall, they were flexible and flowed with our boundaries after we held true to our needs and wants. This has made their lives easier, too, and we quickly figured out that our family loves us no matter what.
Now, our holidays look different — we slow down, we're less stressed, we feel more connected as a family, and we're unplugged from all the noise going on beyond our home's walls. It feels sacred. We're protecting our peace, and we are more present to enjoy all the small moments that make the holidays truly special.
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