I believe that bringing life into this world is always a gift. I was lucky to have had three uncomplicated pregnancies, and each gave me one of my greatest blessings, my sweet babies Sienna, Jaxon, and Taylor. But although I couldn't be more grateful for my children, it's taken time for me to accept that I didn't love being pregnant — and that's okay.
Pregnancy is a miracle, and so many families struggle to get pregnant and become parents — I was one of them. But for many women, pregnancy is still hard, and it can be frustrating to feel like you have to seem like you're enjoying the experience 24/7 even if you're not.
When I was pregnant with my first, I often struggled with the feeling that everyone expected me to be happy all the time. From social media to conversations with friends and family, I felt pressure to be blissful and glowing — things I rarely felt during any of my pregnancies. (I was told there would be a glow! Where was the glow?)
I now know I can be thankful for my children and my ability to have safely carried them for nine months, and at the same time not have loved everything about the experience. As a mom of three looking back, there are a few things I wish I'd been told during my pregnancies.
1. Complaining about your symptoms doesn't make you ungrateful
Sure, I was overjoyed to be pregnant. But the truth was that most days I was hurting, nauseous, and annoyed by my pregnancy acne. I hated that I couldn't sleep at all after month 7, and that I often had to leave work meetings every 10 minutes to pee.
But when I'd mention these symptoms to others, often just needing an opportunity to vent, I was sometimes made to feel guilty for not appreciating the incredible gift I'd been given. Once, when telling a co-worker that I had been sleeping on the couch because it was too uncomfortable to sleep in my bed (no position or pillow seemed to help!), she told me that I shouldn't complain and "should just be thankful."
Now, if a mom-to-be were to tell me about a difficult pregnancy symptom, I hope I'd respond with empathy and understanding. I think I'd say: "Girl, yes, my hips felt like I got kicked by a horse my entire pregnancy," or "I was so nauseous during my pregnancy that I ate more fast food than I care to admit," or "I could barely stay awake past 7 p.m."
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2. You don’t have to be happy all the time
I was excited to have a baby, but I hated that I couldn't eat what I wanted without it coming back up. Or sweating and almost immediately needing a shower right after getting out of the shower. While I was grateful I could bring this incredible new life into the world, I wasn't thrilled about the physical and emotional woes that came along with the process.
I now know that for many women, pregnancy isn't all butterflies and rainbows. I think that if more moms around me had opened up about "the real deal" — that pregnancy, as amazing as it is, is often uncomfortable and difficult and hard — I might have felt less alone.
What to Expect Community parent imafirsttime is very familiar with the mixed emotions pregnancy can bring. “’I’ve been constipated for two weeks, nauseous for the past week, and have no appetite. I’m not sure what to do to get any relief. I was so excited to be pregnant and have been looking forward to the experience for years and now I absolutely hate it,” she admits.
3. Your experience is valid
During all three of my pregnancies, I wondered if what I was feeling was wrong. It took time to give myself grace and accept how I really felt during those nine months. Now, I know that my feelings and experiences were valid.
I was 35 with my last (surprise!) baby, and that created unique challenges. I needed extra tests and monitoring, and I could physically feel the difference in being pregnant at 35 than I had felt being pregnant at 30. But still, even if I had hated being pregnant at 25, that would have been okay, too.
Every pregnancy is different, and every mom-to-be should feel empowered to express herself regardless of her experience. I know plenty of moms who loved every second of pregnancy, but that just wasn't my journey. It's okay to say that without guilt.
To other moms-to-be, know that you're allowed to open up about your pregnancy frustrations and challenges — it doesn't make you ungrateful or any less wonderful of a mother.
And if you're feeling downright miserable at times during pregnancy, know that you're not alone. I hear you, and if you get funny looks or comments for sharing your true feelings, seek out people who embrace all of you — every ache, every midnight text asking if you also experienced lightning crotch. Because the struggle is real.
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