By Jess Darrington as told to Maressa Brown.
For What to Expect’s “What I Wish I’d Known” series, moms and dads share the wisdom they’ve gained since first becoming parents.
My firstborn arrived in October, when the sun sets close to dinner time. As I’d watch the beautiful pinks and oranges fill the sky, I’d start to feel on edge. My anxiety would last hours with seemingly no explanation.
While the days were hard — full of timed feedings and too many diaper changes to count — the nights were drenched in uncertainty. As the sun went down, the possibility of a sleepless night with a newborn felt very overwhelming.
Each night, I tried to talk myself off the ledge, but the sense of dread would just reappear like clockwork between dinner and 10 p.m. I had never heard of anyone else feeling this way, and I just felt so alone.
I wish I’d known that the “sundown scaries” can be a normal part of postpartum and that there are ways to prepare that will get you through those tough few hours each day.
The sundown scaries are actually pretty common in postpartum
The sundown scaries are a wave of anxiety, sadness, or overwhelm in postpartum that tends to hit in the late afternoon or early evening — just as the day winds down, explains Kristy Christopher-Holloway, Ed.D., a licensed professional counselor who is certified in perinatal mental health. While not an official medical term, the sundown scaries are most common among parents.
“For new — and not so new — parents, it can feel like a daily emotional crash,” she says. “The baby might be fussy, you’re running on fumes, and nighttime is creeping in. It can feel extremely overwhelming.”
So what causes this surge of dread to hit? A variety of factors, says Christopher-Holloway, including:
Exhaustion. Those middle-of-the-night wakeups can leave you running on fumes, and by the time the sun goes down, you’re running on empty.
Shifting hormones. As your body is recalibrating after giving birth, fluctuating hormones can impact your mood. Cortisol — your built-in get-up-and-go hormone — peaks in the morning to help you start your day, then gradually fades at night. But in those hazy newborn days, your circadian rhythm can get thrown off by round-the-clock feedings and broken sleep. That can mean cortisol levels rise at night instead, fueling extra stress and anxiety just when you’re hoping for rest.
Your baby’s schedule. Babies may be fussier in the evenings, since they're cluster feeding, crying more, and potentially needing extra comfort.
- Worries about what the night may bring. As it gets darker, your “what ifs” start to creep in. You may feel more alone or anxious about how you’ll make it through another night of sleep (or lack thereof) with your newborn. If you push all those worries down all day, they can bubble up at night.
A bright, lively house can help combat negative thoughts
Once the clock struck 7 p.m., I’d turn on all the lights around the house because it offset the darkness outside. If my husband was still at work and the house felt too quiet, my anxiety was more likely to peak. I’d worry about what I would do if something were to happen to my baby while I’m alone. So I would turn on an episode of The Office for background noise. Having people talking around me — even if they're just actors on the TV — made things feel less isolating and scary.
“Sensory-rich, comforting spaces can reduce tension, increase positive arousal, and reset our mood,” Christopher-Holloway says. Research has also shown that music can improve mood, address anxiety, and boost energy. Choose songs or shows you like, not just something to comfort your baby, she suggests. In those late afternoon hours, I would stick in my earbuds and put on one of Spotify's upbeat or happy mixes — no sad country songs allowed.
A bite of chocolate is a big mood booster
When I’m hungry, my mood is the first thing to plummet. Sure, a square of chocolate doesn’t fill me up, but it definitely keeps me happy. I’d keep a chocolate bar, along with other easy grab-and-go snacks like nuts (for protein) and water, near my nursing chair so that I could eat or drink something easily, even if I had my hands full.
“Being satiated and hydrated supports against the evening emotional dips induced by physical stress such as hunger and dehydration,” explains Christopher-Holloway. “For some, the ‘hangry’ effect from low glucose levels overlaps with anxiety. Additionally, our brain is composed of water, so even mild dehydration can impair thinking and dampen our mood.”
Tag teaming with a partner makes a big difference
Once my husband came home from work, it felt like a huge weight lifted from me. Not only did he give me someone to talk to, but we would tag team on tasks like preparing the nursery for bedtime, running the bath, and making a bottle. It was comforting to have another adult around when the sundown scaries hit.
"Partners can help by being present and taking the initiative to handle or support tasks like making dinner or changing diapers,” says Christopher-Holloway. "It's nice when they offer to take the baby so you can rest, shower, or decompress, and bonus if they are super mindful of that hard time of day and check in before the sundown wave hits," she adds.
I wish I’d known to take a pre-bedtime walk
If my husband were watching the baby, I would try to get out and walk outside right after dinner if I could. It helped because getting outside and breathing fresh air, seeing and feeling the last bit of sunlight, and just getting exercise gave me a little more pep in my step. I felt revitalized and more ready to take on bedtime when I walked back in the door.
Turns out, there's actually some science behind why it made me feel better.
"Stepping outside for fresh air, sunlight, and even a change in scenery can help to regulate circadian rhythms [aka the sleep-wake cycle] and lift your mood," says Christopher-Holloway.
The sunset scaries are just a temporary phase — and you will get through this
Looking back, I wish I could have enjoyed a little bit more of those newborn days, because they're so fleeting. Ultimately, I let the sundown scaries steal some of that time that should have been magical, but I want other moms to know that the season of the sundown scaries will pass — and it's okay to do whatever you need to do to make it through.
My experience made me wish there was more education for moms on postpartum hormonal shifts and how to get the help they need during this critical time. I can now confidently say to other moms that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and if we were to get pregnant again, I now know how to manage my late-day feelings better.
If anxiety starts to get in the way of your daily life — or if you ever feel unsure about how to feel better or disconnected from yourself — it may be time to reach out to your provider for professional support, says Blum. Together, you can create a calming nighttime plan that helps you feel more grounded, or explore options like deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness, or even medication if needed.
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