It’s got to be one of the most annoying remarks strangers make to parents — the dreaded “Just wait 'til she’s 2!”
Even the most laid-back parents might feel a stab of fear hearing those words, especially when their 16-month-old is dissolving into a howling puddle of misery in the checkout line.
There is some truth to the rumblings about the so-called “terrible twos,” though they can actually start earlier or later and may last through preschool.
But the terrible twos don’t have to be so terrible — they can actually be pretty terrific. All you’ll need is a few tantrum-taming tactics, a sense of humor, and a big dose of understanding and compassion.
Here’s what you need to know to get through the phase known as the terrible twos (and turn it into the terrific twos!).
The “terrible twos” are a completely normal phase. This stage can start any time between ages 1 and 3 and is fueled by your toddler’s big push for independence. Tantrums don’t have to take over. Sticking to routines, offering small choices, and using humor or distraction are gentle ways to help smooth out the rough moments. This stage won’t last forever. As your child learns to manage emotions and use words, the meltdowns fade and the fun multiplies.
What are the terrible twos?
The terrible twos is a phase that starts around age 2 (give or take) and is characterized by frequent temper tantrums, rapid mood changes, and other sometimes-difficult impulsive behaviors.
One minute, your little angel will be playing happily with his toys, and the next he’ll be throwing a frustrated fit for reasons that are tricky to figure out. Or he’ll stubbornly insist that he wants a blue sippy cup when all you have are red and green ones — and then have a full-on meltdown when you gently remind him what's available.
Why is your little one acting this way? Toddlers are going through big developmental changes, and their thinking and emotions have become more sophisticated. Your child can understand a lot of what you say and he can ask for things, even if it’s not always clear (and comes with lots of pointing). He can do more on his own too.
But as independent as he is, there’s a lot that’s still not in his control.
“A major factor in tantrums is the conflict between a child's growing desire for independence and their limited abilities and control over their environment,” explains Micah Resnick, M.D., a board-certified pediatrician with TriHealth in Cincinnati, Ohio, and a member of the What to Expect Medical Review Board.
The result: a generous helping of frustration leading to regular meltdowns, which is why this phase has a not-so-stellar rep. Just remember that there's plenty of "terrific" in the mix too!
When do the terrible twos start?
The terrible twos is a bit of a misnomer, since the stage can start anytime between ages 1 and 3, Dr. Resnick says.
It's understandable why a toddler would feel sad, frustrated, or tired when he doesn't have all the words he needs to communicate what he wants from you.
He can't always verbalize, for instance, that he doesn't want to go to the doctor's office or does want to go to the playground (and doesn't want to leave once you get there).
Plenty of your toddler's wishes — from eating cookies for breakfast to staying on the swings past dinnertime — are those you can't always (or ever) grant, which is another source of frustration and confusion for a very young child.
Your little one also has lots of big feelings, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), but very few strategies for keeping them in check.
All that explains why the toddler years and specifically the so-called terrible twos can be particularly challenging for you and your child.
Signs of the terrible twos
Not all toddlers will have all (or any) of these terrible two "symptoms." That said, there are some common behaviors that are the hallmark of this stage, including:
Frustration. Your toddler will get discouraged for obvious reasons (he can’t toss the ball into the toilet) and not-so-obvious ones, like being served sandwich triangles instead of halves.
Outsized emotions. He’ll giggle uncontrollably at something funny or screech in despair, both at the top of his lungs.
Biting, hitting, slapping, and other antisocial behaviors, usually aimed at his parents, other children, and his sitter or day care teachers.
Tantrums. Lots of these!
A desire to do everything by himself, especially when you’re in a rush.
Crankiness, especially around nap and meal times.
How to deal with the terrible twos
Even when you realize that your child is going through a normal developmental stage, it can be hard to know how to handle these challenging moments.
“My 2-year-old started hitting,” shares What to Expect Community member vbnurse. “She will do it for no reason … just looks me dead in the eye and hits. I will say, ‘we do not hit’ and ‘show me nice hands’ and she often does it, or she hits again and rinse and repeat.”
The best way to handle this phase is to try to stay calm (yes, easier said than done), think of this stage as more positive than negative (which in so many ways it is!), and keep these tips in mind:
Stick to a routine as much as possible. Toddlers love predictability because it makes them feel safe. So try to aim for regular eating, playing, and sleeping times.
Be mindful of fatigue and hunger. We all get cranky when we’re tired or ravenous. So carry healthy snacks around to stave off hunger pangs. And try not to run errands too close to naptime or mealtime, advises the Mayo Clinic.[2]
Give your toddler choices. Let him pick whether to eat cereal or a waffle for breakfast or whether he wants to wear the red or gray sweatshirt. The more say he has in little things, the less frustrated he’ll be, according to the AAP. Just make it clear that he has no choice when it comes to safety, so the car seat isn’t optional — but the book he wants to take along is.
Have a distraction ready when he is close to a meltdown. Sometimes dealing with the terrible twos is as easy as telling knock-knock jokes, singing a silly song, or going into another section of the park (or the house).
Pick your battles. Saying “no” to every request can make your toddler feel unheard. So give in sometimes — within reason. Head to the playground for a few minutes after you’ve picked your cutie up from day care. Just try not to cave in to a demand during a tantrum.
Help him name his feelings. “When you help a child label their emotions (‘I see you're angry right now because the blocks fell down’), you are giving them the tools they need to express themselves in a more constructive way,” Dr. Resnick says.
- Catch him being good — and give him props for it: "Thank you for asking so nicely and using your words," or "You were so patient when we were waiting in line. Thank you — now we can go play."
When do the terrible twos end?
How long does this stage last, you ask? Well, it can continue until your child is 3 or even 4.
Don’t worry: This phase doesn’t stretch on forever.
“As your child learns self-control and has more ways to express themselves, the frequency and intensity of tantrums tend to decrease,” Dr. Resnick says.
Still, you can probably expect the occasional meltdown after a particularly hard day at school or when he’s tired or hungry (or both) at least until he turns 4 or sometimes even 5.
Although having temper tantrums is part of normal toddler behavior, check in with your health care provider if the tantrums are frequent and prolonged, (lasting 15 minutes or longer), are accompanied by other symptoms (such as excessive sadness), or often involve self-harm to the child or injury to his caregiver or siblings, Dr. Resnick says.
Also talk to your pediatrician about tantrums that go past your little one's fourth birthday because “they may be a sign of a deeper issue,” he adds.
From meltdowns to milestones, find advice and support for every toddler stage in the What to Expect app.
What comes after the terrible twos?
More fun! Your preschooler will enjoy playing pretend, which will give him outlets to be the boss. And because you’ve given him the words to describe his emotions, he can tell you how he feels instead of screaming or yelling.
Keep setting limits and giving him some options. Pretty soon, the terrible twos (aka the terrific twos) will morph into the thrilling threes ... the fabulous fours ... and the fantastic fives!
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