So first of all, I can relate — because I have a daughter who would cry to her daddy whenever she wanted something. She used to call him Ga-Ga when she was a baby, and she learned that all she had to do to get what she wanted — even when she was a teenager — was to sidle up to him and call him GaGa. He was putty in her hands.
Cairo loves her daddy, and that’s something to celebrate. But when it comes to managing her tantrums, what matters is that you and your husband both get on the same parenting page. So this isn’t about changing Cairo’s behavior as much as it is changing Cory’s — which will, in turn, change Cairo’s. And both of you changing just enough so that you are a united front, a parenting team, and a consistent response effort.
Really, there are so few absolutes when it comes to parenting — keep your child safe, keep your child healthy, love your child unconditionally are my top three — but if I were to add one more it would be “be consistent.” No toddler would ever admit that they need limits, or rules. They’ll fight them with every fiber in their little beings. But the truth is, deep down inside they actually crave them.
Consistency is comforting for toddlers.[1] Knowing what is consistently expected of them makes them feel secure, tethered, solidly anchored.[2] They love being the boss of you (or of Dad) but it’s actually a little disconcerting to know you have that much power when you’re 3 feet tall. You can literally change the rules just by climbing into Daddy’s lap.
So first thing you have to do is sit down together and figure out what the rules are. You can negotiate with each other if you see the rules differently, but the important thing is that the negotiation isn’t with Cairo, because you can’t negotiate with toddlers.
Then, as a united front, as a team of two, commit to consistency in enforcing those non-negotiable rules. This is what I always tell parents: Think about it like traffic rules. They don’t change from day to day, or change at night just because there are fewer cars on the road. Think about how confusing it would be if red lights meant stop on Monday but go on Tuesdays. There would be chaos in the streets, a lot of crashes, and absolutely no incentive in following rules because the rules are always changing.
It shouldn’t be an overwhelming number of rules, and all of them should be fair and age appropriate, so your toddler can actually live up to the expectations you both set. Eating in the high chair, not on the sofa or the carpet or while on the run? That’s definitely a reasonable one. No throwing toys or skipping tooth brushing, no jumping on the bed, no cookies before dinner.
Sometimes, parents feel like they have to say “no” a certain number of times a day, just to maintain their authority, and maybe you feel like you have to overcompensate in the no department to balance Cory out. But it’s actually better to set those key, non-negotiable limits, stick to them, but not make everything a no. Because when everything’s a no, that just increases normal toddler negativity and testing of limits. And power struggles.
Win-wins also work well with toddlers. No, you can’t have cookies before dinner, but you can have carrots and dip. Or give a choice: You can eat in the high chair or at a booster seat at the table.
And no fair for Cory to pull the old “Ask Mommy” either when Cairo’s asking for leniency on something you’ve both decided to stand firm on. If it’s something with wiggle room, that’s one thing, but if it’s one of those non-negotiables you’ve already negotiated together, no way. He has to stand with you.
Have more questions about navigating your toddler's development? The What to Expect app is your guide to the toddler years, with expert-backed articles and tips from other parents.
Tia Mowry has been part of our lives since she and her twin Tamera co-starred on the hit ‘90s sitcom Sister, Sister. Now, Tia is an author, producer, entrepreneur, wife — and a mom of 2 adorable kids, Cree and Cairo. On the What to Expect Podcast, Tia opened up to Heidi Murkoff and Emma Bing about the endometriosis symptoms and diagnosis that changed her pregnancy journey, the health challenges she faced during both pregnancies, and how she and her husband Cory have managed parenting during quarantine.
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